Not Quite Final Fantasy 10
by AlmightyIshboo
Summary: Complete insanity and tons of OOCness. Spur of the moment randomness. Not for the faint of heart (or those easily offended by OOCness). You've been warned mortal!
1. Tidus the crybaby and Auron's obsession

(A/N: Howdy y'all! As promised, here is the Final Fantasy 10 parody I've been meaning to do. Most characters are...well, out of character as they usually are in my stories :-D Have fun reading!!!)

Tidus marched along the streets of Zanarkand happily. Today was the day of a big bliztball tournament and almost nothing could ruin his mood. Notice it says almost...for the one thing that could put him in a bad mood happened. That thing was seeing a billboard with his father on it, lights shining all around it, with neon letters proudly stating, "Jecht, the world's best bliztball player to date!". Tidus growled to himself and chucked the nearest solid object at the image, which happened to be a bliztball from a random passing fan.

However, not only did the bliztball fail to do any damage to the picture, it bounced back and started flying towards Tidus at a higher speed than which he threw it at. It hit Tidus full in the face and he fell to the ground, lying there dazed. He blinked as he saw a name engraved on the traitorous bliztball. That name was... "JECHT". Tidus glared at the ball and yelled so loud, half of Zanarkand heard him, "WHY DO YOU MOCK ME?!" He then jumped back onto his feet and ran off, bawling his eyes out. The people who had been around him at the time stared after his retreating form, looked at each other, then looked at the bliztball. As one, they shrugged and walked off, the owner of the bliztball grabbing it and shaking his fist in the direction Tidus ran off in.

After the "JECHT" bliztball incident, Tidus made his way to the bliztball stadium, wiping away the tears that were still on his cheeks. He then began his, "I'm an idiot but I'm so ADORABLE!" attitude. Yet, people ignored him as he walked by. Tidus scowled and was tempted to start a major street brawl, but he decided against it. No use in getting himself killed or maimed before the big game. He sighed dejectedly and entered the stadium sulkily.

A little ways away from the stadium, there was a shop. In that shop stood a man who wore sunglasses, had his face partially hidden behind the collar of his shirt, a sword strapped to his side, and a giant gourd on his back. He stood regarding several boxes of crackers, licking his lips in anticipation of their crunchy goodness. The man then snatched all the boxes he could carry and strode to the check-out.

The cashier at this particular check-out blinked as she saw the man approach, carrying what she thought to be at LEAST fifty boxes of assorted crackers such as Cheez-its, saltine crackers, animal crackers, and graham crackers. The odd fellow placed all the boxes on the counter and pulled out his money bag as the cashier started to scan the boxes. She asked tentatively, "What did you say your name was?" The man stopped rummaging through his money bag and he said pointedly, "I didn't."

The woman put on a thoughtful face and muttered to herself, "Mrs. Didn't..." She pondered this for a while. The man looked on in disbelief, not sure which option was more horrifying: The knowledge that she really thought his name was I Didn't, or the thought of her having any interest in him whatsoever. He was brought out of his pondering by said woman shaking her head and saying, "Somehow I just can't see it...how was your day Mr. Didn't?" The man sweat-dropped and said, "My name isn't I Didn't, it's...Auron." Auron was loathe to reveal his name to this woman but he didn't see any better alternatives. He couldn't just scream, throw the money at the woman, grab his crackers and run. He also couldn't punch her, which he wanted to do. And he knew he shouldn't make up a name because last time he did...well he was using the name Joe and at the last minute revealed himself to be Auron, finding out several seconds later that Joe had just won the million gil lottery. Since he had claimed that his name was NOT Joe, he was refused the money. Ooooh that was NOT a happy day.

The woman cocked her head to a side and said, "Oh...your name is Auron...why did you tell me your name was I Didn't?" Auron scowled angrily which shut the cashier up for what he hoped would be the rest of the time he would be forced to coexist with her. Lucky for Auron, that time wasn't too long. A couple minutes later, he was walking out of the store, carrying a bag that had all his crackers in it over his shoulder. He snatched a Cheez-its box from the bag, opened it and began eating vigorously. Auron blinked as he saw people run by him, screaming up a storm. He shrugged and thought, '_Oh well, it can't be THAT bad can it?_'

Auron's eyes widened as he felt his cracker boxes flying out of the bag and up into the air. He closed his Cheez-its box in a flash, chucked it into the bag and then tied it shut. He glared behind him, knowing instantly who the culprit was. He shook his fist into the air and shouted, "CURSE YOU SIN!!!! THESE ARE MINE!! NOT YOURS!!! MINE!!!!!!" Auron then took off running, cackling madly to himself. He came to a halt and listened intently. Was that Tidus' scream he heard? Sure enough, he looked up and saw Tidus flying towards him, apparently he was tossed from the stadium when Sin invaded. At the moment though, Auron didn't care how Tidus got there, all he knew was he had to move, and fast!

Auron scrambled madly to get out of the way before Tidus fell on him, but he was too late. Tidus collided with Auron, and in that moment Auron lost his grip on the bag with the crackers in it. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Auron cried and vainly chased after the bag. It disappeared into the blob that was Sin a few seconds later. Auron stared after his crackers, said a word Tidus hadn't ever heard, and glared at Tidus. "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" he yelled, pointing his finger at the idiotic, cracker-losing bliztball player. Tidus blinked and said, "Ummm...sorry?" Auron crossed his arms in front of his chest, let out a "HMPH!" and refused to look at the confused Tidus.

Tidus' eyes widened as he saw several monsters surround himself and the sulking Auron. He crept over to the older man and poked him saying, "Ummm Auron? A little help here?" Auron glared at him, snorted, then handed Tidus a sword. "A present from...Jecht." He said. Tidus blinked rapidly in surprise, glared at the sword, and would've chucked it over the edge of the railing had Auron not stopped him. "IT MUST DIE!!! IT MUST DIE!!!" Tidus shouted repeatedly as he still attempted to chuck the sword away from him. "KNOCK IT OFF!!! THAT'S YOUR ONLY MEANS OF DEFENSE!!!!!!" Auron shouted back. They got into a heated argument, Tidus mostly shouting "IT MUST DIE!" and Auron calling Tidus a complete and total moron.

Tidus suddenly pulled an extremely depressed face and inhaled deeply. Auron blinked, his eyes widening as he realized what Tidus was about to do. Auron scrambled to find an object that would float and hung on for dear life as Tidus started to cry. Now, this wasn't your normal everyday Tidus Tantrum. This was the Mother of all Tidus Tantrums. He cried so hard that within minutes, all of Zanarkand was flooded.

Auron scowled as Tidus surfaced, him giving Auron a forlorn face. "Oh don't be such a baby! Just shut up and sit tight!" Tidus was about to remark on how he WASN'T sitting therefore he couldn't "sit tight" when Sin hovered above them. Tidus yelped and began swimming away for all he was worth, '_Which incidentally isn't that much_.' Auron mused. Tidus seemed to have picked up on this thought because he twirled around, glared at Auron and was about to say something when they were both sucked up into the watery, blubbery mass that made up the greatest evil to ever roam the land.


	2. The Al Bhed and yet more crackers

(A/N: YAY!! REVIEWERS!! And BOO!!! THEY TOOK ONE OF MY STORIES OFF FANFIC!! OH THE HUMANITY!! That would be why I haven't updated in a while. They locked my account for "infractions". Apologizes my friends)

Tidus awoke to the sound of a tidal wave approaching. He blinked, turned around and yelped as a 20 foot wave smashed down on top of him, throwing him off the rock he was on and into the open water. Tidus surfaced and glared at the retreating wave. "OH YEAH?! WELL SAME TO YOU BUDDY!!!" he screamed, shaking his fist at it. Unfortunately, since the tidal wave was an inanimate object, it just continued on its merry way.

Tidus sulked. Now even the WAVES were ignoring him!! Oooooh they'd all pay dearly for ignoring him and calling him a crybaby! Especially that MAN whom he referred to as "The Big Evil Polka-dotted Monster" when in reality it was his father Jecht. Tidus grumbled to himself dejectedly and paused as he finally realized the area around him was unfamiliar. He started hyperventilating as he frantically looked for something familiar.

Even more unfortunate then the tidal wave's muteness, was the fact a giant monster fish lived in the waters. Now, this fish disliked whiny teenage boys with blonde hair who hyperventilated. No one knows why this fish disliked those things but they sure knew not to anger it. Tidus, of course, didn't know these particular facts. So he screamed in terror as the giant fish surfaced and started swimming at him, it's mouth wide open.

Tidus squealed and dove under the water, swimming as fast as he could. This ticked the fish off even more and it gave chase, steadily gaining on the frantic bliztball player. Tidus screamed as the fish nearly caught him, but he quickly dove into a small crevice in which the fish could not follow.

Tidus pointed and laughed at the fish, a hard feat to do under water, but then again, he couldn't drown for some odd reason. The fish roared and the crevice opened large enough for it to squeeze through. Tidus' eyes bulged and he quickly whipped out the sword "The Big Evil Polka-dotted Monster" gave to Auron who in turn gave it to Tidus. Thinking quick he smacked the fish right between the eyes with the blunt end of it. '_Drat. I gotta practice sometime with this thing..._' Tidus thought. To his surprise, the fish looked at him mournfully and said in a bubbly voice, "You humans always take things too far! You're FLIPPING INSANE!!!!" It then swam off, crying fish tears. Tidus blinked and said, "What a crybaby..."

A little while later, Tidus found a cavern. If you call running into a stone wall, surfacing while crying and then conveniently smacking his head on the low ceiling "finding". Anyway, as I was saying, Tidus found a cavern. He blinked and looked around and suddenly realized, while it was nice and warm outside, it was freezing inside. As he turned to go back outside, a rock slide happened out of nowhere, leaving him trapped inside. "Why me? Why always me?" he said to no one in particular.

Really really really REALLY far away, Auron stood regarding a store. Maybe this store had crackers! (Unlike the fifty thousand other stores he had all ready visited.) He walked slowly inside, looking around, his eyes glowing hopefully. He quickly spotted the cracker isle and saw... '_ONE BOX LEFT!!!_' he thought. Auron ran as fast as he could and attempted to snatch the box, but a blue-haired man (A/N: MWA HA HA GUESS WHO?!) got to it first. Auron's eyes narrowed angrily and he said to said man, "Give me that cracker box if you value your life." The man blinked and stared at Auron, saying in a really pansy-ass voice, "Why dear sir? I do believe I got to it before you." Auron snarled and said, "THAT IS IRRELEVENT! JUST GIVE ME THE BLOODY BOX!!!" The man blinked again and said, "Do you know who you are talking to?" Auron glared at him and said, "YOU COULD BE YEVON HIMSELF BUT I DON'T CARE!!!! I WANT MY CRACKERS DANGGIT!"

The man looked thoroughly offended at this blatant disrespect towards Yevon and said to Auron, "Mind your words! It is unwise to speak such ways to a Maester!" At these words Auron cocked his head to a side and said, "Eh? Maester? You're a Maester?" The man nodded an affirmative and started to walk off. "Maester Seymour right?" Auron ventured, an evil plan forming in his mind. Seymour turned around and said, "Yes, that is who I am." Knowing that he had Seymour's attention for a little while, Auron screamed and yelled, "AHHHH SIN-SPAWN!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!" and pointed in a random direction.

Seymour whipped his head around and stared in the direction that Auron pointed, confusion written on his face. Auron wasted no time. He charged at the half-guado and grabbed the cracker box from him. Laughing insanely, he ran off, grabbing the money he needed for the box of crackers while dodging Seymour's spells. He tossed the money at the cashier and ran as fast as he could, escaping with the ultimate prize: A family size box of Cheez-its.

Oblivious to the insanity that occurred moments before, Tidus sat in front of a puny fire he had made. '_Thank goodness I was a Boy Scout, otherwise I might have died here!_' Tidus thought, extremely proud of himself, even though he found matches instead of flint...but hey! He actually managed to start a fire without incinerating every surrounding object like he did when he was a Boy Scout. '_And that's how I got my "Incinerated the Scout Master" merit badge!_' Tidus thought, smiled contentedly and curled up next to the fire, falling asleep almost instantly. (A/N: Sorry, been watching too much "Fairly Odd Parents" for my own good.)

Tidus suddenly awoke and started shivering. He sat up and blinked as he saw his fire had gone out. "ARRGH!!!!! WHY DOES THIS STUFF KEEP HAPPENING TO ME!?" he shouted, kicking his once faithful fire. Immediately, the fire was rekindled, and burnt his shoe and foot in resentment as it flew through the air. Tidus yelped, grabbed his injured foot and jumped around screaming random insults. Sadly, this noise alerted a random passing monster who was seeking its next meal. It crawled stealthily behind Tidus, crouching as it waited for him to come closer. However, it failed to notice the fire that was beneath it and as a result, learned that spontaneous combustion was a very sad way to go.

Tidus stopped jumping around as he heard the fiend squeal in pain and saw it run out of the shadows and begin to run around in very tight circles. He blinked, wondering why the thing wasn't using the Stop, Drop, and Roll technique. Tidus shrugged and decided to watch the show while it lasted and sat down, munching on some Instant Popcorn he had pulled out of his pocket. The fiend suddenly fell to it's side and collapsed into a pile of ashes. Tidus blinked and thought, '_Well...that was...interesting._'

His eyes bulged as he saw people coming. Even though they looked scary beyond all reason, (A/N: "The Emperor's New Groove" anyone?") he jumped up and waved at them. "HELLO!!! CAN YOU HELP ME?! I'M LOST, COLD, AND HUNGRY!! POPCORN ISN'T EXACTLY A FILLING MEAL!!!!!" he shouted. The people stopped, stared at him and blinked. They began to converse amongst themselves, "Ho-way is-yay he-yay?" One asked. Another shrugged and replied, "I-yay do-yay ot-nay now-kay." Yet another glared at Tidus, pointed his finger at the slightly bewildered teenager and shouted, "DO-YAY YOU-YAY OT-NAY SEE-YAY?! HE-YAY IS-YAY A-YAY IEND-FAY!!!"

Tidus by now had realized these people, for whatever reason, were talking using Pig Latin. He cocked his head to a side and said, "Umm...I can understand you ya know..." The one who was glaring at him snorted and said, "No-yay you-yay do-yay ot-nay!" By this time, Tidus was pretty upset. So, abandoning all reason, he shouted back at the strange people, "YES-YAY I-YAY AN-CAY!!!" The results were quite comical, if you weren't Tidus that is. The people screamed, surrounded him and proceeded to beat him senseless, Tidus saying in a sing-song voice, "I-YAY NOW-KAY YOUR-YAY ANGUAGE-LAY!!!".

The people finally realized that Tidus was quite insane, and decided to enroll him in their next mission. After all, as one of their number had said, only insane people could complete the mission without dying in the process.

(A/N: Sorry 'bout the Seymour meets Auron thing. I am well aware it does not happen in the game. Blame the sugar in Pixie Sticks...not me)

Replies to Reviewers!

Xmaster: I do hope those laughs were genuine and not sarcastic. It would make me sad to learn that it was sarcastic. Sorry if the first chapter confused you. I DID put a warning in the summary though...so you can't sue me :-P

Amanda dragon: Yup! I always saw Tidus as a crybaby and an idiot too. It's just in his character I suppose...oh well. Yes Auron's cracker obsession is quite funny. In fact, I made two of my friends test-read the first chapter and they used to not like Auron that much, now, they love him! Personally, I always loved "Auron: The Mighty Slayer of Random Threatening Creatures that Appear out of Nowhere." That name is copyrighted! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Solecito: Yes...Cheez-its are the ultimate crackers. I assume SB e-mails is Strongbad e-mails? Love 'em. And Teen Girl Squad. It's all happy. Blaar...Trogdor is the best though...don't you agree? :-D Also, assuming you ARE talking about Strongbad...have you ever played the "Peasant's Quest" game? Tis very fun and joyous. I beat it! YAY FOR BEATING A BADLY ANIMATED ROLE-PLAYING GAME!!!

Lacus: Indeed!


	3. More Cracker Madness and Just Plain Insa...

"You sure this is safe?" Tidus asked, peering over the edge of the boat. The surrounding Al Bhed blinked in confusion, looking at each other. Tidus sighed and said again, "You-yay ure-say his-tay is-yay afe-say?" There was a group "Oooooooh-yay." followed by one Al Bhed female stating, "Not a clue in the world!". Tidus whirled around and stared at her. "HEY!!! YOU CAN SPEAK WITHOUT USING PIG LATIN!!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?!" She blinked, stared at him and said, "Well...you never asked...what's Pig Latin?" she added at the end, cocking her head to the side in a confused manner. She watched in an interested manner as Tidus' face slowly turned purple, his right eye starting to twitch as well. "Wellllll? What is it?" she asked again, poking him in the chest, impatient for an answer from this odd man. Tidus growled, turned around and muttered, "Oh just forget it. Let's go before I change my mind about helping you weirdoes."

The woman smiled and yelled, "OKIE DOKIE!" and jumped headlong into the water. She resurfaced and said, "COME ON IN!!! THE WATER'S GREAT!!!" Tidus rolled his eyes, jumped in next to the woman, deliberately splashing her. As he surfaced he saw her scowling face. He grinned innocently at her and said, "You'd better lead the way to this ship thingy you and your friends up there keep talking about." She crossed her arms in front of her chest and then smacked the water, sending a mini tidal wave at Tidus. She quickly dove under the water before he had time to recover and seek revenge. Tidus glared at her retreating form and mumbled before diving down after her, "Women...they're all insane."

Still very very very far away, Auron lay in hiding. Several bounty hunters passed by his hidey-hole with the mission to track down a certain "cracker-thief" who stole a "sacred" box of Cheez-its from the "almighty" Maester Seymour. Auron chuckled darkly as he emerged from the bush he had been hiding under. He brushed several leaves off of himself, grabbed **_HIS_** box of Cheez-its, opened it, and shoved a whole handful of the delicious cheesy crackers into his mouth. He chewed vigorously, slung the gourd off his back, and poured out some of the sake (A/N: SAKE!!! Ok so it's beer. But in here it's SAKE!!! Sake rice wine) into a shot glass. Auron quickly downed the wine, slung the gourd back onto his back, closed the box of Cheez-its and began to walk away.

He quickly came to a stop when he heard heavy footsteps coming from behind him. His eyes narrowed and he quickly whirled around, his sword drawn. "THOU SHALT NEVER TAKETH MY CRACKERS FROM ME!!! THOU SHALT PERISH IF THOU DOST DARE TO EVEN **LOOK **AT THE SACRED CRACKERES!!!!" he shouted, twirling his sword around in an intricate pattern for intimidating purposes. The person, Maester Seymour to be exact, looked at Auron as if he were a cross between a chocobo and a fiend. "What ever are you talking about?! Those are MY crackers!! And put that thing away before you poke someones eye out with it!!!" he shouted, smacking the blunt end of Auron's blade to lower it from his throat. Auron growled and said, "You ain't me mother buddy." Seymour blinked and said, "Well now that would be just plain creepy if I were." Auron shuddered at the thought and said, "Indeed it would be. I think I would disown you. Anyway, it was nice running into you again, but I must be going now. I gotta save the world and all that jazz." Seymour smiled slightly and said, "Ok then, nice seeing you too. May Yevon be with you." He then turned and walked away. Auron grinned gleefully and took off running as the blue-haired Maester suddenly turned around and said, "WAIT A MINUTE!! I STILL WANT MY CRACKERS BACK!!!"

"What's this do? What's that do? What's this do? What's that do?" (A/N: starry eyes Invader ZIM rocks!) the woman asked, pushing random buttons on the sunken ships control panel that Tidus was trying very hard to repair. (A/N: I forgot what you are originally supposed to do so...feel free to yell at me.) Tidus sighed, sending a jet of bubbles floating above his head. Now he knew why the Al Bhed only put this woman in danger. She obviously caused trouble wherever she went, and no doubt the Al Bhed would rather she not return. Depressing, but true. '_Oh well. Like I care. My life was faaaaaar more depressing then HERS will ever be! CURSE YOU BIG EVIL POLKA-DOTTED MONSTER!!! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!...eventually...maybe...hopefully...sometime in the near future...possibly..._' What was probably to be a never-ending train of thought was interrupted by the machine in front of him suddenly becoming operational again. Tidus quickly looked over at the woman who had just pushed a button that said on it, 'Push to activate.' She grinned happily and asked, "Did I do good?!"

Tidus only nodded in reply and motioned for her to follow him back up to the surface. Having a never-ending air supply was all fun and stuff, but it got boring after a while. They both began to swim out of the exit when the big fishy from chapter 2's older brother burst onto the scene. "YOU PICKED ON MY LITTLE BROTHER!! PREPARE TO **DIE!!!!**" the enraged marine animal yelled. Tidus screamed as it began swimming towards him, its mouth wide open. "HOORAY!!!" he heard the woman yell beside him and he turned to see her chucking the Mother of All Grenades at the fish's open mouth. The fish swallowed the grenade and blew up into billions and billions of pieces, leaving a very disgusted Tidus and a completely oblivious Al Bhed. Tidus blinked suddenly, turned to the woman again and asked, "Wait a sec...how did that thing explode? The gunpowder should've been wet! It's impossible for gunpowder to explode when it's wet!!!!" The Al Bhed's eyes narrowed as she brought her finger up next to her lips. "Sssshhhhh!!! You're not supposed to know that!!" she said angrily and swam for the surface, a confused Tidus following.

Replies to Reviewers!

Solecito: Yes it is very sad when those evil knights slay the mighty Trogdor. I suck terribly at that game so I generally don't play it. Peasant's Quest is very fun so you should play it sometime! Thank you for saying the previous chapter was awesome, I liked it quite a bit myself. The Al Bhed talking in Pig Latin came to me during a sleepless night as I lay asleep in my bed on the cold hard floor when a comet smashed right through the window in my windowless room. I then thought logically, in an illogical manner, '_You know? Buffalo chicken wings are awesome!_' I then returned to my sleepless slumber and remained medically dead throughout the night. (Well not really. Just a random thought. I have a lot of those...hope you enjoyed the odd story as I made it up as I was typing this...HUZZAH!)

Amanda Dragon: Everyone seems to be enjoying Auron's cracker obsession...yes sadly Seymour DOES have a cracker obsession, setting him up for some clashes with Auron later on. But we all know who'll win ((hint hint, wink wink)) I've actually never had Instant Popcorn, I just thought I'd put it in as it seemed semi-appropriate at the time...well not really. I personally would never eat popcorn if a fiend was spontaneously combusting...I would point and laugh :-D

RMN: YAY!! So good to see you again! Sadly, my Knights of the Old Republic gone insane was taken off the website as you well know and I won't be able to post the sequel. I'll try to post it on kotorfanfic dot com though...(evil censoring). If I ever get around to it... ((gives Lucas more fish))

Katana: Hello again to you as well! Like I said to RMN, the sequel to KOTOR gone insane will probably be posted on kotorfanfic dot com sometime random. Until then, here's a sentence of wisdom for you! "Never pet a burning dog."


	4. The Embodiment of Death

Well I just updated one of my other fan fictions and I thought, '_Eh, what the heck, might as well update this one too!_' and so here I am…writing the intro. Well as an explanation as to why I haven't been updating this…my big brother stole the FF X game and so I slowly forgot everything that happened. I'm going to start playing it again this summer, so don't you worry! I won't leave this fan fiction hanging! I decided to do another random chapter and see how much I remember from the game at this point…yell at me if I get anything wrong.

Replies to Reviewers!

A Fading Shadow- Hmm well…I would have to say it was a random incident involving a polka-dotted lemur, a silver banana, and a hairbrush. I'm glad you are enjoying the story though!

Solecito- Indeed, buffalo wings are awesome. Seymour always scared me…with his blue hair and robeish type clothing he wore…Auron is just plain awesome, no matter how you look at it. He's the type of person who would see someone like Sephiroth charging at him and he'd just blink, shrug, and continue to kick said person's (or Sephiroth…even though Sephiroth is pretty darn awesome) bum. Fun times!

Amanda Dragon- Bad boy Auron! Sit! ((tosses Auron some crackers, Auron hisses and skulks off)) …sorry about Auron freaking out on you. Just a pointer, Auron is to crackers as women are to chocolate. You give Auron some crackers, and he won't kill you…maybe.

RMN- Your name is fun to abbreviate. Did I ever say that? How's Lucas been doing? I suppose he's been fine, considering he's as hyper as he always is…God how I miss my Knights of the Old Republic Gone Insane fan fiction…that was the most awesome thing ever.

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Auron glanced quickly around his surroundings, the box of crackers clutched firmly underneath his arm. '_Coast is clear…now to run like hell! That Seymour pansy certainly is persistent…_' he thought as he barreled down the street, knocking over more than a few people as he did so. He ignored their curses and yelps of pain as he continued on, only one thought present I his mind, '_Must…get…secret…weapon!'_

He stopped in front of a building and glanced inside, grinning maniacally to himself. Yes, this store would do nicely…He walked in through the front door, and went searching for the weapon that would be Seymour's demise.

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Tidus stared down at what the Al Bhed girl from earlier had called his "food". He pulled a disgusted face as some of it started to move,

"Ewwy ewwy! It's alive!" he cried, flinging the tray away from him. It hit one of the other Al Bhed members in the head, and said member turned around slowly to face Tidus. Tidus squeaked in terror, glancing around for any type of sanctuary he might be able to use.

Finding none, he bolted, the Al Bhed in hot pursuit. "AHHHH! DON'T KILL ME! I HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!" Tidus pleaded to the outraged Al Bhed. He received no reply, and thus the psychotic chase began. First it was just the one Al Bhed, but more began to join in as the chase went on, until the whole crew of Al Bhed were pursuing the panicking Tidus.

As a result of everyone chasing Tidus, no one noticed that a dark form was rapidly approaching, a dark form of DOOM. The ship lurched as the creature rammed into the boat, making several people tumble out off. Tidus screamed as he spotted the creature, recognizing it as the monster that attacked Zanarkand.

"AHHH! I'M BEING STALKED BY THE **_BLOB_**!" he screeched, hiding underneath some coils of rope. Whatever possessed Tidus to think a few lengths of rope could prevent Sin from locating him is beyond me. And so he was snatched, and yet again rendered unconscious to be whisked away to some other random location.

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Auron peeked out of the store cautiously, holding his purchase before him in a little box. Seeing that there was no blue-haired Maester in sight, he began to sneak out. He made it to the outskirts of town, where an ambush lay in wait for him. '_Damn…one of the townspeople must of tipped them off._' He thought as he regarded the assembled force in front of him. His eye twitched and he unsheathed his sword, preparing to take all of the cracker-theif's minions at once.

"There is no need for violence, good sir," remarked a nasally and EXTREMELY annoying voice. Auron convulsed slightly and glared as Seymour walked into the clearing,

"For the love of Yevon, can you PLEASE talk more normally?" Auron pleaded. Seymour's eyes narrowed, apparently he had taken offense at this statement. Auron smirked lightly as Seymour seemed to weigh the matters of attempting to kill Auron outright or trying diplomacy, which was demanded as his role as Maester.

Duty won in this battle, and Seymour relaxed, his face once again serene. Auron sulked a little, he would have liked to fight this pompous, blue-haired, cracker-stealing monster. Seymour smiled politely at Auron, making the latter cringe.

"Dear sir, I think it would be in your best interests to just give the crackers to me. Think of them as an offering to Yevon if you must." Seymour said smoothly. Auron's eyes narrowed. That last statement was borderline threatening!

"NEVER! YOU SHALL NEVER TAKE THE CRACKERS! YEVON HIMSELF COULD ATTEMPT TO TAKE THE CRACKERS AND I WOULD STILL FIGHT!" Auron shouted, making Seymour scowl.

"You do realize that I have an advantage over you in numbers?" the Maester hissed. Auron grinned wickedly and held up his little box,

"You may have numbers on your side, but I have the embodiment of DEATH on my side!" the swordsman said, his eyes twinkling. Seymour raised an eyebrow, not sure how the embodiment of death could fit in to such a small box. He sighed and said,

"How's this; if your "embodiment of death" manages to defeat all of my men, I shall abandon the chase and let you keep the crackers. But if my men win, you give me the crackers and swear you shall never touch another cracker as long as you live. Deal?" Auron sniggered at the last part, and Seymour failed to see what was so funny. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and glared at Auron.

"Well?" he asked. Auron blinked and stared at the Maester, nodding slowly.

"On one condition…if I win, you can't touch another cracker as well!" Auron said, grinning evilly. Seymour paled slightly, then nodded to show he agreed with that new term. Auron cackled madly and opened the box,

"Death! Come out and destroy the enemies of the almighty sacred crackers that are yours and mine alone!" he shouted, and a furry form launched itself out of the box. In around fifteen seconds all of Seymour's men lay dead upon the ground, and the furry creature which killed them was perched atop Auron's shoulder.

Seymour's jaw dropped as he saw the animal. His mouth opened and closed a couple times before he managed to squeak out,

"The embodiment of death is a…chinchilla?" Auron cackled and nodded, patting the furry rodent on the head fondly.

"This little guy was on sale at the pet store…apparently he had bitten the hands off of a few potential owners. He liked me just fine though." Saying this, Auron handed the little rodent a cracker, which was quickly devoured. Seymour's eyes began to water as he realized he would never eat another cracker again.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm leaving. If you follow me, I'll tell everyone that you're a liar. Maester's aren't allowed to be liars." Auron said as he strode off, leaving a very depressed Maester behind.

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And so there's another chapter. It was originally going to be a hamster that Auron purchased, but someone a chinchilla seemed much more…menacing. Hope you enjoyed reading!


	5. Nobody likes a show off

BUAHAHAHAHA! One day whilst my brother was away, I kidnapped his copy of FFX…and I beat it. Yup, I've been playing it all this time, my eyes shining with joy whenever Auron popped up on the screen…Auron is my hero…

Replies to Reviewers!

Solecito- Yes Seymour is very narrow-minded. Him and his blue-haired ways…I'm willing to bet good money he's behind your game stopping when Auron was about to pop up and kick some major arse. Bad bad Seymour!

Hacker5- Heh, I'm sorry if I got you in trouble. Hmm your school must not have a block up on certain websites…because mine does…I can't get to at my school…it's really annoying

Luv2Game- Don't worry, I will see this story through to the end. Final Fantasy games are fun and enjoyable. I'm writing a Jade Empire parody if you've ever played that game…((evil grin))

Grey Fish- Yay! Ishboo has found someone who also enjoys talking in the third person! Ishboo loves to talk in the third person, it scares her mother something fierce. Ishboo would help you out of the bowl, but I doubt that you would live long if Ishboo did that. So as a consolation, here's a little dragon statue thingy that Ishboo gives to you! ((plops a dragon statue into Grey Fish's bowl)) Hooray!

Kiete- Even I'm not too sure how I come up with these things. I think it's a combination of me forgetting to take my medication (shhh), lack of sleep, and sugar high driven happenings. You may use the cracker obsession in your story, as long as there is a little note aside telling them that I originally came up with it. I've had someone take my ideas before without permission, and while I was freaking out for a while, we resolved it quite peaceably.

MakoAnima- You know if you changed the last 'a' in 'Anima' to an 'e' it would spell 'Anime'? Just a random thought…I might end up stealing your chinchilla…they are so cute and cuddly! Thank you for reminding me what happened next, I remembered the Wakka part, I just didn't remember what the name of the place was…then I played the game again and I was like, "Oooooooh…okay!" So, arigato!

A Fading Shadow- Unimportant? All right, who are you and where have you hidden the REAL Shadow? Grrr. Anyway, tell your friend that she should also include polka-dotted psychic kiwis to her army of awesomeness. Kiwi birds will rule the world one day regardless. Heh and I'm thinking of rewriting "KOTOR Gone Insane" to fit the story format…what do you think?

R.M.N.-AHHHH! PUPPY DOG EYES! NOOOO ((whips out a Master Tonberry and chucks it at RMN)) DIEEEEEEE! ….sorry…I have dogs who stare at me all the time so I've gotten a little…psycho when that happens now…I hope you don't have too much trouble with the Tonberry…

Bbychrangel- I am honored that you have bestowed such a compliment upon me and my story ((bows)). I agree though, there are certain times when character bashing goes too far…like if someone began to make fun of Auron too much… ((twitches)) Anyhoo, I'm glad that you enjoy this story, and hope that you will continue to enjoy it.

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Tidus cautiously opened his eyes, hoping he wouldn't see anything unpleasant before him. '_I'm…alive?_' he thought, his eyes growing in wonderment. He was about to stand up and leap for joy when he was thwacked on the back of the head by a blunt, round object. He let out a cry and inhaled a bunch of water as he did so (he was in the water for some odd reason…and on his face…how he survived is beyond me).

Tidus sprung up, clutching his throat desperately, "AHHHH! SOMEONE HELP ME! I'M CHOKING TO DEATH!" he screeched, thrashing around. Darkness blurred the edge of his vision and he felt himself being hit on his back…really hard. It removed the water from his lungs however, and Tidus found himself staring into the face of a red-haired, tan individual. Tidus screamed and leapt as far away as he could from this new person, bumping into even more peopleas he did so. He fell over, taking more than a few of these people down with him, and stared up at the sky.

He was pulled to his feet abruptly and he blinked in confusion. "Where the hell did that random object that hit my head come from anyway?" he asked cautiously, looking around at everyone. Tidus took a step backwards when he saw the red-haired man from earlier staring at him, a maniacal glint in his eyes. The confused young man was about to say something when the red-haired man launched himself at Tidus, squishing the younger man with a huge bear hug.

"CHAPPU! I KNEW YOU WERE ALIVE! IN YOUR **FACE** LULU!" the man screeched. Tidus screamed in terror and managed to dislodge the other man and then promptly hid behind the other assembled men. "STAY BACK!" Tidus squealed as the man began to advance. He heard the person he was hiding behind sigh and then say,

"For the love of Yevon Wakka, this isn't Chappu." The man named Wakka paused, blinked, and then crossed his arms in front of his chest. He stared at Tidus, and returned his attention to the man who had given him this piece of information.

"He's…not Chappu? Are you sure, Letty?" Wakka asked cautiously, just to make sure he heard it right. Letty nodded in reply and Wakka began to chuckle nervously. "Uhhh…sorry about that…I hope I didn't scare you…" he said, trying to patch things up between himself and this newcomer. Tidus blinked and slowly got out from behind Letty. He gave Wakka an untrusting glance, and asked, "So…your name is Wakka then?"

Wakka nodded in response, and blinked as the other man broke into a grin. "Heeey! That sounds kinda like what PacMan says as he moves around eating the little chip thingys and ghosts! Like this! Wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka…" he then ran around the beach, his arms held in front of him like a mouth as he opened and closed them, repeating "wakka" over and over.

Wakka twitched, grabbed Tidus by his hair as he passed, and glared at the younger man. "May I have your name?" he asked sweetly, his eyes glittering dangerously. Tidus squeaked and managed to mumble out his name. He was released and immediately Tidus began rubbing his head.

"Errr…sorry it's just that…OOOOOH BLITZBALL!" Tidus said, trotting merrily over towards the blitzball that lay upon the beach. Everyone watched curiously as the blonde-haired teenager kicked the ball straight up into the air and leapt up after it. After performing a couple of flips in the air (mostly to show off…), Tidus kicked the blitzball, sending it flying across the beach.

Wakka's jaw dropped as he saw the blitzball fly off into the distance. Putting aside the thought that he would probably never see that particular blitzball again, he strode over to Tidus. "What team do you play for?" he asked curiously. Tidus blinked, did a pose and stated proudly,

"The Zanarkand Abes!" Wakka snorted in surprise and stared at Tidus, beginning to worry about the sanity of this person. "Ummm…Zanarkand was destroyed a thousand years ago…" he said cautiously, watching in a mixture of amusement and horror as Tidus' face went completely pale. The younger man convulsed slightly, then fell over on the ground unconscious. Wakka sighed and shook his head, figuring that since there were no boats at the port, and that Tidus had just randomly appeared, that Sin had something to do with it.

"Let's take him back to the village. We can't just leave him out here for the fiends to get him." Wakka said, turning to face his teammates. They all nodded in agreement and Tidus was borne off towards Besaid Village.

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"I'm terribly sorry sir, but unless you put a muzzle on that…_thing_, I'm afraid I cannot allow you to continue to sail with us." The captain of the S.S. Winno said, hoping that the man he was talking to wouldn't decapitate him. Said man twitched slightly and patted the little furry rodent which was currently hissing and spitting. He narrowed his eyes and glared at the sailor, how DARE he demand such a thing of Auron the Great! (A/N: Heh I couldn't exclude Auron in this chapter, even though he isn't supposed to show up until Luca…I just enjoy writing for him)

"Hey, is it _my_ fault that your idiotic pet monkey annoyed Squeakums?" Auron asked, raising an eyebrow. The captain scowled and jabbed a finger at the swordsman. "Your chinchilla ate my monkey just because my monkey sat next to it!" he accused. Auron blinked, nodded slightly and said,

"Exactly." The captain slapped himself in the face and attempted to calm himself down. Auron just watched, waiting for the captain to continue in his threats. '_Next time, I'm going by shoopuf._' He thought to himself sulkily. _THEY_ wouldn't mind having a homicidal chinchilla onboard…

Auron brought himself out of his musings as he realized the captain had been talking for quite some time now. He blinked and asked, "Huh? What did you say?" The swordsman stared at the captain, wondering if the man would be okay as his face was turning purple with either rage, or lack of air. It turned out to be a combination of the two, and the captain promptly fainted on the floor. Auron shrugged, turned around, and walked out of the captains' office. They would no doubt finish this conversation later…it was cracker time anyway.

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…w00t. I win. Completely and totally. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Anyway, I'll try to get the next chapter out as soon as possible. Ja ne!


	6. Of Temples and Treasure

I have decided something…and that something is I am one depressed person. I didn't particularly like the ending to FFX, mostly because it left you hanging (not to mention the Auron part….sniff) and the sequel, FFX-2, DOESN'T INCLUDE ANY CHARACTERS I ENJOY AT ALL! Lulu was an okay character but Rikku kinda annoyed me. My biggest point however is, it can't be a FFX game WITHOUT Auron. He isn't in it, so I'm not going to play it. So there. That doesn't mean there isn't going to be a sequel to this story however, I've all ready got an idea in mind for the plotline of the sequel. Muahahaha it'll be glorious, and unlike FFX-2, it WILL include Auron! So look forward to it my friends!

Bbychrangel- Hehehe yes well when he learned that I stole it he just went, "Oh…well give it back when you're done." In other words, he ruined it. So I went out and bought my own copy. It was a preplayed game, and the sad thing was, it didn't have a case! Well it HAD a case, just not the case it normally would be in. So I went on my computer and made my own. It's quite awesome and I enjoy it…mostly because it has Auron on it. I do believe I have an unhealthy obsession with the man…oh well.

Da KeR MysTeRr- I'm glad I amuse you so. I'm sorry if it took me a while to update…it was the school year after all and, well…high school is evil. But it's summer now and I have nothing better to do (besides continually play FFX…gotta beat all the monsters in the arena) you can expect more frequent updates.

Auron is indeed an awesome character, and quite possibly one of my favorite all time characters…ranked up there with Albel, Muraki, and Darth Vader. I wanted to cry at the end…almost did too…sniff

Solecito- Well what can I say? I think about really random things sometimes. PacMan was actually one of my favorite games as a kid, so I have the "wakka wakka wakka wakka" sound stuck in my head for all of eternity. That and the Mario theme…Square was rather evil to leave Auron out until Luca. When I first played the game, I wasn't really paying attention to what was going on…I was just thinking, '_Hurry up and bring back Auron! He's cool!_'

Squeakums is so misunderstood…thankfully Auron understands him. Heck, I think Auron is the only one who understands that chinchilla. Oh, and about kicking Yu Yevon's butt…it's not like you could really do otherwise…I mean, you had auto-life for the last battle. I thought that was really stupid, I mean, I spent _DAYS_ training at the Omega Ruins and Bikanel Island just to get ready for the last battle. When I finally left to go fight Sin, Auron was tearing through everyone we came across. He hit Seymour twice and the little pansy died on me before I had a chance to steal from him…it only made matters worse then I saw the stupid halos above my head in the aeon battles…at first I was like, "Heeey! They gave me one free auto-life!" but after I died (well, Bahamut used Impulse on me…the evil dragon…) I saw the halo reappear. "…The hell?" I said and made myself die again. Well…you get the picture. The ending didn't make anything better…Auroooon…come baaaaaaaaack! It was not a happy day.

Bobette the Builder- Bobette the builder…Can we fix it? Bobette the builder…AURON ASPLODE YOUR HEAD!...sorry. I didn't mean Auron asplode YOUR head…I was just generalizing…more like he asplodes Seymour's head. Auron is indeed god. He is too awesome to be anything but god.

Wakka wakka wakka wakka thump thump thump thump bip…beeyuyuyuyuyooop. (PacMan was merrily wandering along. He then began to eat some chips lying in the middle of his pathway when he was rather rudely killed by a passing ghost that was blue in color. He then collapsed upon himself. Funeral arrangements are being made as we speak…or type. Whichever.)

A Fading Shadow- …Well yes, Cheez-it's are considered crackers. And don't worry about the hostage situation, Auron's most likely on his way. ((shifty eyes)) No, I didn't send him. He can sense crackers up to five universes away. Pretty spiffy huh? ((blinks as Auron barrels past her, proceeds to find Shadow tied in a chair, he cuts her free, steals the crackers and then kills the man who kidnapped her))

Auron: KYAHAHAHAHAHA! The crackers are miiiiine!

Ishboo: Oh, and just as a note, I probably will end up rewriting my KoTOR story. It'll just be a while as I am a very lazy individual indeed.

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Tidus groaned as he awoke. '_Zanarkand…destroyed? And a thousand years ago to boot! What kind of diabolical plot is this?_' he thought as he sat up. He glanced around the room he was currently in, immediately spotting the red-haired guy, Wakka, from earlier squatting next to what Tidus believed to be a stove. "Oh, you're awake. Good." Wakka said upon realizing that Tidus was staring at him. When Tidus didn't reply, Wakka tried again,

"Hey, just as a question…do you remember the prayer?" Tidus blinked in confusion and began slowly, "What? You mean, 'Good gravy, good meat. Good God! Let's eat!'?" Wakka sputtered and glared at the younger man.

"NO! This prayer!" he shouted as he stood up and proceeded to show the confused blitzball player the prayer. Tidus stared at Wakka, deciding it would be best not to point out that the 'prayer' was the blitzball sign for victory.

Wakka slumped back on the ground and began mumbling to himself. '_Idiot. Doesn't even remember the prayer. Did he go and kiss Sin on the lips or something?_' he thought, glancing sideways at the young man who was now engrossed at staring at the food that was sizzling upon the stove.

Unfortunately for Tidus, some grease from the stove shot up towards the alarmed teenager, hitting him square in the eye. Tidus let out a scream of pain and continued to thrash on the ground, all the while clawing at his greased eye.

Wakka rolled his eyes and dumped a pot of water over Tidus' head, snorting in annoyance as the drenched man began to sniffle. "Grow up would ya? It's not like you're blind in that eye now." Tidus shot a glare up at Wakka and asked indignantly,

"How do YOU know that?" Wakka rolled his eyes and bopped Tidus over the head.

"Shut up. Go over to the temple and bother them I MEAN introduce yourself!" Wakka suggested. Tidus glanced at him untrustingly, got up, and stormed out of the small house. Wakka sighed in relief after Tidus was out of hearing shot. That kid was going to be more trouble than he was worth.

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Auron sat at his desk, staring down at the map that lay before him. He traced a finger that lead from Kilika Island all the way to an unmarked island in the middle of the ocean. According to the person who sold him this map, the island was said to be abundant with…treasure. '_Hmm…now only if I could 'persuade' the captain of this vessel to go there without having to give up a share of the treasure in return…_' Auron thought to himself. He frowned as he realized swaying the captain would be a lot harder then he had previously thought. The man still hated him for Squeakums turning his monkey into breakfast.

Right on cue, the captain strode into Auron's chambers. Auron glared at the man, he hadn't even knocked! "Well? What is it now?" Auron asked. The captain looked at him and replied,

"I thought you had called for me." Auron blinked, cocked his head to a side, and said,

"Oh, I suppose I did. Uhh listen, I was wondering if you would be willing to take a little detour to a certain island…" He was rudely interrupted by the captain slamming his foot to the ground, obviously refusing to listen to Auron's proposal further.

"Absolutely not. I will not cater to the man who has the blood of my pet on his hands." The captain growled. Auron raised an eyebrow and remarked,

"Actually, it was Squeakums who killed your monkey. And it's _blood_ is probably in Squeakums' stomach by now…" The captain yet again rudely interrupted Auron by clapping his hands over his ears while yelling out,

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU! NA NA NA NA NAAAA!" Auron slapped himself in the forehead and glared at the captain.

"Would you please act like a civilized adult?" the swordsman pleaded. He growled as the captain continued on with his, "na na na na naaaaa"s and proceeded to swing his sword at the man, the tip resting against the captain's throat.

"Now…about the island…" Auron began again, smirking as he saw the captain paying attention this time. Perhaps he might get to the treasure after all…

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"WOW! This place is huuuuuuuge!" Tidus remarked as he strode into the temple. Ignoring the disapproving glares sent his way, Tidus continued to walk around the temple making remarks that obviously upset everyone. He stopped at the base of a statue of a robed man. Curious, Tidus glanced up and stared at the man's face.

"High Summoner Braska. Even though he defeated Sin ten years ago, it was only a few months ago that we received a statue of him." A voice behind Tidus explained. Tidus screamed and whirled around, punching the person behind him as he did so. There was a resounding gasp as the man fell to the floor, followed by angry murmurs. Tidus looked around, completely paranoid, and screeched out,

"HE SNUCK UP BEHIND ME! IT'S HIS FAULT!" He was going to continue on about why the person deserved to be punched when he was silenced by the newly arrived Wakka, who had chucked yet another bliztball at the young man. Tidus slumped to the ground, once again unconscious. Wakka shook his head, walked over to the KOed Tidus, and dragged him back to his house. Maybe that smack to the head would put more sense into the idiot…probably not though.


End file.
